DO YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH, SEAMUS?

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waylander
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DO YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH, SEAMUS?

Postby waylander » Mon Sep 30, 2013 3:47 pm

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker


:pidu :pidu :pidu

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Re: DO YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH, SEAMUS?

Postby badhand » Mon Sep 30, 2013 4:58 pm

The Monday joke thread is born! :lol:

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Re: DO YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH, SEAMUS?

Postby cati » Mon Sep 30, 2013 6:46 pm

bloke goes into see doctor

Says bloke - " doc I keep thinking i am tom jones

Docs says " it's not unusual "


boom tish.... i thank you

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Aussies

Postby grahamngillian » Mon Sep 30, 2013 8:42 pm

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Gee, thanks, I hadn't thought of that…Bye."

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Re: DO YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH, SEAMUS?

Postby waylander » Tue Oct 01, 2013 9:43 pm

1. Now on sale at IKEA - "Lesbian beds" - no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.*

2. A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol. Police say it's definitely race related.*

3.Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. *

4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.*

5.Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be 'the one', but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

6. Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I just live around the corner I tell ya."*

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Re: DO YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH, SEAMUS?

Postby badhand » Wed Oct 02, 2013 7:48 am

From Homophobia to Racism, via Religious Intolerance.

Nice one waylander. What's your real name? Bernard bloody Mannings?

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Re: DO YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH, SEAMUS?

Postby waylander » Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:08 am

badhand wrote:From Homophobia to Racism, via Religious Intolerance.

Nice one waylander. What's your real name? Bernard bloody Mannings?




it's just like driving a car... just testing the limits :D Now I know what goes and what mightn't I'll (hopefully!) not fall off the road :mrgreen:

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Re: DO YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH, SEAMUS?

Postby McStang » Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:25 am

...and don't mention Baby Jesus....ever

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Re: DO YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH, SEAMUS?

Postby badhand » Wed Oct 02, 2013 10:12 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: DO YOU HAVE A GOLDFISH, SEAMUS?

Postby waylander » Tue Mar 08, 2016 11:29 am

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.........



At this point the husband started choking up.. . . .

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.


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